Yesterday was National Coming Out Day and here's what I shared with family, friends, and colleagues:
Today is National Coming Out Day. (Well, at least it is in the US and so we will just have to appropriate it here in Canada until we catch up).
I was an Ally previously as I stood in support of the LGBTQIA2S+ community and as a safe person to come out to. You are brave, you are inspiring and you matter. You are not alone.
I now stand in solidarity with my worldwide rainbow family in support for those of us who repressed our knowing, kept the mask on for so long we suffocated, hid in plain sight for safety, and felt so painfully alone.
Here's my coming out video made with the help of my friend Keith:
I am not straight. I am here and queer. I like the term queer because it is an umbrella term that includes the rich diversity and intersectionality of the individual letters LGBTQIA2S+. I am still the same supportive friend, family, or hard working colleague you know.
Surprised? That’s normal. Many of us seem straight because society assumes everyone is straight by default. Movies, TV, books have long told the fairy tale of the beautiful princess being rescued by a knight on shining armour and living happily ever after. Star Trek has been pushing boundaries but only recently includes an openly gay couple and a non-binary / trans character.
Happy for me? I would be thrilled if you would show me that you are an Ally or welcome me to the rainbow family and alphabet mafia by leaving your favourite coloured heart below.
Why bother? This is a small part of me and I am over 50 and married to a supportive spouse so why bother? Why now? I want you to know that you can’t tell if someone is straight or not by looking at them, or listening to them, or by how they dress or what music they listen to. I did what was expected of me, dressed and spoke and acted professionally and those who respected me, treated me with respect. In spite of that, I have also been treated with utter disrespect and disdain that I do not deserve and I have nothing to lose by showing up authentically at this point. I have no more sh!ts to give at this stage of my life for drama, triviality and deference to those who haven't earned it and there is nothing I can do anyway that will matter in some cases. I matter more than that to myself and so here I am, happy to shed the polite meaningless interactions in exchange for deeper authentic ones. I feel like my life is only now just beginning.
I want you to know that the older you are, the less likely you are to know one of us because the stigma and consequences for not conforming were too much to bear. One of the reasons I experienced depression and anxiety for decades is because I absorbed and internalized homophobia, misogyny and compulsory heterosexuality as I grew up.
Representation matters. My grandparents and parents and my generation didn't learn about sexual orientation, gender identity and expression in school. Being queer was illegal in Canada until the year I was born in 1969. Being queer was considered a mental health disorder in the USA until 1973, in Canada until 1982 and in my own very conservative province Alberta until 2010. Same sex marriage was not legal here in Alberta until 2005 and it wasn't until 2014 that the marriage act replaced "husband and wife" with the gender-neutral term "spouse(s)." I went to my first pride parade in 2015 all by myself on a cold rainy day.
Growing up in the 1970's and 80's I had no role models and I didn't know anyone well who was gay. "Gay" was used as an insult and was associated with the stigma of AIDS. It was just assumed that I was straight and would get married and have kids. That didn't work out so well and I finished university, got my teaching degree, struggled with undiagnosed and untreated depression, anxiety, Celiac disease and IBS, went through two divorces, staring my life over each time with severe financial setbacks, swearing I would never date another man and would remain a single, independent woman. Even though I worked full time and had no kids (because I was terrified of having a child I couldn't take care of, and being financially insecure), even though I had a good job (multiple jobs at the same time), it was not enough to have my own place, unless is was a room in someone's basement with no pets or maybe just one small pet under 20 pounds. Men typically earn more than women and it is not always because they have more education or because they work harder. Society values the work men traditionally do and are socialized to do and are financially compensated to do more than the work women traditionally do, much of which is unseen, unpaid and under appreciated. Much of this we have internalized without even being aware of. (#homophobia and #CompHet and #patriarchy and #misogyny).
In the 1990's I told a gay teacher friend I thought I might not be straight and had dated a girl. He tried to help me out by asking "do you like round curvy shapes or straight square shapes" but it turned out to be oversimplified in determining one's orientation. We didn't have the vocabulary to express the ideas to find ourselves and others like us. Kids these days are taught so much more in school, and have access to others like them on social media, but more importantly they are given the freedom by society to explore ideas and labels and try them on and discard them if they don't fit. There are safe spaces in schools, GSAs, discord servers, TikTok content creators and more. The more people who unmask and show up to represent, the safer we all are.
I thought I was the only one like me married but not straight - until during the lockdown, I was able to sit with my thoughts, find others like me online, delving deep into what it means to live authentically as well as understanding setting and maintaining boundaries.
I ask that you consider carefully who you joke about, put down or say you hate because many of us have straight passing privilege and are hiding right in front of you in plain sight. There are over 1 million of us in Canada (4% of the population) with 30% of us under 25 years old. To put that in perspective 1-2% of the population worldwide are redheads. So if you know a redhead, you know twice as many queer people. For the reasons listed above, many of us older folks may not have ever had the privilege of even considering this as a personal possibility or have heard the words that make us feel like we belong.
Here's my contribution to my worldwide rainbow family on #NationalComingOutDay today and every day. I love you no matter what letter of the alphabet mafia you represent. I'm so happy to have found a community of people like me and it is an honour to serve as an Admin and tech support and get to know and grow alongside a group of over 5000 late bloomers - late to the game in admitting or discovering their attraction to women as queer, gay, lesbian, bi, pan, or on the ace spectrum. We are inclusive for non-binary/gender fluid people assigned female at birth, as well as transgender lesbians. I am not alone. You are not alone either. You are never too old to own your authentic truth and live your life. You matter. This post is for you.
Thank you so much to my best buddy Keith Cartmell for always supporting me, always being a safe person to talk to about anything and everything, always being curious and always learning, and for sharing this spot and goofing around with me and all my rainbows and taking so many fabulous photos which I turned into this video. I highly recommend him if you want to have a photo shoot of your own or with family for any occasion. Find him on Instagram @ keithcartmell or check out his photo blog at https://keithcartmellphotography.blogspot.com/ Here's the video from the photoshoot:
sources:
Mental health disorder status https://www.cbc.ca/.../homosexuality-pulled-from-alberta...
Gender Unicorn teaching resource https://transstudent.org/gender/
Trevor project learning resources, coming out guide with info for families, suicide prevention for LGBTQ (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning) young people.
Trevor project coming out guide with gender and orientation artwork showing a spectrum or a circle
Same sex marriage in Alberta
LGBTQ+ 1 million in Canada
My video from the rainbow photoshoot with Keith: https://youtu.be/ScSSclGYvNs
I am happy you are here. I'm even happier you have the strength to push the publish button for this. You learned to swim. You did Ironman. You've come out queer. You are strong enough to do anything you set your mind to. You go girl!
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